Some MLB Players Decide Not To Risk Lives For Their Jobs, Fans Understandably Outraged

Over the last couple of weeks, a handful of MLB players have tested positive for COVID-19. If it seems like that fact has been under-reported, you’re not alone. I had no idea so many major leaguers had come down the virus. Not until hometown favorite, Royals catcher and habitual Gatorade squanderer, Salvador Perez, come up rona’d, did I even know this was a thing happening in baseball. But it is, and apparently has been for a while.

On Monday, it was announced that Atlanta Braves outfielder, Nick Markakis, was opting out of the shortened, barely legitimate 2020 season. The obvious joke here is to say Markakis is at higher corona-risk due to his advanced age, and that’s funny, sure, but the real reason for his trepidation is more serious. Markakis said he made his decision to forego the season after hearing teammate, Freddie Freeman, on the phone, who tested positive for the virus a few days ago.

“Just hearing him, the way he sounded on the phone, it was tough,” Markakis said. “It was kind of eye-opening.”

While 3 other Braves have tested positive, pitchers Will Smith and Touki Toussaint, along with infielder, Pete Kozma, it’s Freeman that seems to be suffering the worst of the group, dealing with fever and a host of other symptoms.

Markakis isn’t the only player to opt out for the year, of course. Braves teammate and former King of Seattle (complete with salmon scepter), Felix Hernandez has also decided to sit this plague out, along with postseason diaper-filler, David Price, and Nationals geriatric, Ryan Zimmerman.

Fans have reacted in their usual way. They’ve been unflinchingly calm, logical, and respectful to the wishes of other human beings that just happen to be professional athletes.

Hahaha! Fuck. No, no. I’m kidding.

While most fans have turned a largely apathetic eye away from the inner-workings of HOW baseball will return (just play the goddamn games already so I’ve got somethin to do for 4 hours every night instead of reading to my goddamn children and listening to my goddamn wife talk about what happened on the real goddamn housewives this week), a few have decided to do what they do so well when given less-than-appetizing sports news.


“I feel like if they don’t wanna play this year, that’s their right,” blurted rural Georgia native and owner of 3 cars without engines, Jeremy “Turnip” Barksdale. “But if they do that, they ain’t gonna be allowed to come back next year neither. You shit n’ sit in it, buddy. Decisions got consequences.”

A vocally distraught Dodger fan also took to social media to voice her displeasure with David Price and, oddly enough, Farmer John Breakfast Sausage.

“Listen, we get sick sometimes,” raved Facebook moron, Brenda Honeycutt of Barstow. “I once got food poisoning off a pack of Farmer J’s and was on the toilet for the better part of 24 hours BUT DID I CALL IN SICK? Course not. I worked my shift at Ace fuckin Hardware in between liquid shit explosions BECAUSE I’M AN ADULT, unlike Price, that pussy ass bitch.”

If there’s one thing this pandemic has taught us, it’s that patience and understanding is something we could all use a little more of. It’s hard to imagine succeeding against such a fearsome, insidious virus, and at times, it seems like an impossibility. But just as important as reason and logic is to combat this unrelenting enemy, so too is misplaced rage and thoughtless commentary. Don’t forget, just as it’s your right as a free American to stand against the tyranny of facial coverings and basic human hygiene, it’s also your right, nay, your God-given responsibility to insult others for choosing safety over sports.

If baseball players didn’t want to run the risk of serious illness and lifelong damage to their bodies, they should’ve picked a more isolated profession. You could’ve been a CPA working from home, Nick Markakis. Just remember that. You chose this life, and if need be, death. Get back to work.



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