Rolling the Dice: Opening Schools in the Time of COVID-19
We’re just a month away from school districts opening their doors to welcome back throngs of academically apathetic children and the excitement (fear) is palpable. Kids are champing at the bit to get back. They’re beyond eager to socialize with friends, eat shitty food, torture and ridicule teachers, bully the weak to tears or suicide, and I guess…learn stuff? Of course, with the current climate of ever-rising coronavirus cases plaguing the country, parents and educators are concerned about how opening will look. It’s good that THEY are concerned about such a tumultuous situation, because as far as the rest of us can tell, the federal government certainly isn’t.
Continuing the, “fuck it, let’s do this shit,” course of reopening EVERYTHING in the shadow of widespread disease, the White House’s official stance on the coming school year is unsurprisingly discomforting. In a recent speech grunted between double-handed water sips, President Trump shocked and annoyed Americans (veteran asshole achievement: unlocked) once again by threatening a largely under-attacked subsection of the US population: innocent school children.
The President, sweating like a felonious grifter under interrogation lamps, spewed his headline-grabbing ultimatum in the harsh daylight of the Rose Garden, claiming the federal government would withhold funding to schools that refused to open. Considering his history of idiotic intimidation tactics, this move is par for the course, and if Donald Trump knows anything about anything, it’s absolutely anything about fucking golf.
So, with schools feeling the pressure of opening up under medically dangerous conditions, and with the guidance of Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos’, bold, “I dunno, you fuckers figure it out,” approach, school administrators collectively shrugged as safety precautions were hastily brainstormed. Local officials scrambled to throw together a handful of procedural regulations to keep students and faculty safe, but will these precautions work?
Let’s take a look at a few of the plans of action and weigh the likelihood of their success, shall we?
Smaller Class Sizes
In theory, this seems like the simplest precaution, and the most likely to succeed. Fewer students in each class means more distancing, which would, in theory, decrease the chance of spread if one or twelve students/teachers happened to be carrying the virus. Included in this approach is the idea that students will be quarantined among themselves, only interacting with the same, “cohorts,” through the course of every school day, which would make contact tracing easier if (when) the virus is contracted.
I think it’s safe to say, every student will definitely follow these guidelines and stay within their confined social spaces, no matter what, all the time, every single day for months on end. It’ll be a breeze.
Listen, if there’s one group of people I trust with the weighty responsibility of protecting society and themselves from disease transmission, it’s schoolchildren. If you understand the educational system at all, or even went to school yourself (sit this one out, homeschool graduates, and also please sit out all the other ones, too, thanks), you know just how dependable kids can be when it comes to following rules. Young people are known for their accepting response to forced restriction and keen opposition to general orneriness. They LOVE authority! You tell a kid what to do, and by god, they’re gonna do it. There’s no debating that.
I’m kidding, of course. Children are the opposite of reasonable, but I wanted to be blindingly optimistic for a moment, just to see how it felt. It felt stupid.
Ok, that’s done. Back to reality.
The main opposition to this idea of classroom distancing is whether it’s even logistically possible. There will have to be smaller class sizes, and by default, that means the number of classes will have to increase. With faculties already stretched thin, how will more classes be taught and by whom? In terms of elementary school classes in which students remain the same room for an entire day, how can you realistically cut those class sizes in half or even thirds to accommodate distancing rules?
Suddenly splitting 1 class into 3 calls for 2 more teachers, right? To put that in terms of a mid-sized elementary school (6 grade levels, 3 classes per grade) cutting classes into thirds means an additional 36 teachers would be needed, 18 if the classes are merely cut in half. That kind of mass hiring spree seems highly unlikely, but, I will say, not impossible as long as teaching qualifications are eased immensely.
And that’s the concerning part.
Now, instead of my 2nd grader spending a glorious year with Mrs. Hannover (she’s the perennial “Teacher of the Year” candidate that conducts reading exercises in the voices of famous cartoon characters and makes personalized birthday cards/Valentines for each student), they’ll be stuck with, “Mister Peaches,” a middle-aged, low-level substitute that’s been fired from his last 4 teaching jobs, the most recent termination coming after conducting class in the school’s boiler room and accepting field trip per diem for, “the educational adventure of subterranean exploration.”
I’m sorry, but that’s not doing our kids any favors. While the smaller class sizes may protect against disease, there’s no telling what OTHER sorts of damage Peaches is capable of delivering to our precious children. Lice? Rashes? Obscenity-laced tirades about the efficiency of school furnaces?! No, thank you.
It’s just not a chance worth taking.
Bleach the Walls
Schools will implement stringent cleaning protocols once students and staff are back in the plague bubble. From monthly steam cleaned, thin-as-cheesecloth carpets to wiping down every desk with varying Clorox cocktails, houses of learning will be scrubbed from top to bottom.
“Those cafeteria tables will be spotless,” says Otis Burton, a 30-year custodial veteran in the Cleveland suburb of Maple Heights. “Good enough to eat off of.”
His yellow grin beams with enthusiasm, but there’s a terror behind Burton’s cataract-hazed eyes. The amount of work it will take to keep classrooms, labs, gymnasiums, kitchens, gin-soaked teachers lounges and cafeterias profoundly clean will surely overwhelm custodial staffs across the country. The idea of old handymen like Otis putting in 12-hour days is an unrealistic expectation. He’s not up to it. Few are. The more likely option will be outsourcing these janitor jobs to a heavy-duty cleaning company that’s more adept at COVID prevention.
The strict disinfecting guidelines are too much for general janitors to handle. In many cases, schools will be spending large chunks of their budgets on professional cleaning services, but those that don’t have that financial luxury will be depending on guys like Otis Burton to keep people from catching a deadly virus.
It’s simply too much to ask.
Sure, the man’s a living legend when it comes to sprinkling sawdust on a pile of 3rd grader vomit or mopping up a high school ladies room after Mandy “McCheese” McGill clogs her 4th toilet of the week. But when it comes to CDC guidelines and the safety of our children, Otis is about as qualified as the mop bucket he so lovingly refers to as, “Gene.”
We love you, Otis, but if the survival of staff, students and parents is our main concern, your employment is not. Look at the bright side, man. You’re a 64-year-old diabetic asthmatic. By firing you, we probably just saved your life.
Masks Fix Everything
Most of us realize the importance of face coverings in controlling the spread of the virus (it hurts to write “most” there), and a school setting is no different. Students will be expected to wear masks when attending classes, which is a great plan, but again, how feasible is it to expect compliance?
When it comes to elementary school-aged children, the chances of masks staying on through the day seem slim. It’s all about the curiosity of hunger for these kids. First of all, we all know it’s just human nature to stick strange things one’s mouth, regardless of age. But, when we’re talking about 6-10-year-olds, there’s nothing those animals WON’T try to eat. From glue and erasers to construction paper and crayons (often dipped in glue), the random and disgusting culinary exploration of kids is completely unbridled. Add marker-sniffing to the mix and these mandatory masks will be on the floor five minutes into art class.
It’s not just the little ones, though. It’s fairly clear that middle and high schoolers won’t take to masks either. While their curiosity for eating art supplies has lessened (some) as they’ve gotten older, their passion for being heard has only grown stronger.
There is no more important voice than that of the American teenager, and if you’re wondering if that’s actually true, just ask one. Their opinions are not only perfectly-crafted, thoughtful and educated, but almost always incredibly important. Your attention to their words is mandatory, and the last thing a 15-year-old high school sophomore is going to tolerate is a thin layer of cloth covering their mouths, potentially inhibiting your ability to LISTEN TO EVERY WORD THEY HAVE TO SAY.
Sure, there’ll be a handful of super woke teens that are vocally supportive of mask-wearing, some likely forming unnecessary, “Mask It Or Casket,” clubs to demand adherence to an already mandatory ordinance. A good deal of students will take pride in designing custom coverings to let their underdeveloped personalities shine. You know how 9th graders are.
Look, Kalissa! My mask’s got Harry Styles and a bedazzled Pikachu!
OMG SO CUTE!! Can I borrow it? Lemme borrow it. Give it to me, Megan. Give it. Now. HAND IT OVER, BITCH, OR I’LL TELL DANNY REYNOLDS YOU FUCKED YOUR COUSIN.
Oh, kids.
That’s not the majority, though. Few teens will choose style and popularity over their self-important gibbering. Imagine 17-year-old Brent, fabricating an exquisite lie for why his Harper Lee essay is late, only to have his English teacher misunderstand the garbled, mask-muffled excuse and perceive it as bullshit.
“Your grandmother…CRIED suddenly?? Well, I’m sorry she’s so sad, Brent, and in such an abrupt manner, but that’s hardly a reason to not finish the assignment.”
And just like that, his beautiful deception is ruined! You think Brent’s gonna live like that? Think again. Masks actively inhibit lying. Teens will never go for that. They may SAY they will, but that would be…you guessed it…a lie.
Bottom Line: We’re Fucked
There’s no real positive spin to put on school openings. The pandemic is continuing to thrive without large scale shut downs. A few spiking cities have already readministered closures and won’t open schools as normal. As cases continue to climb, more places will follow suit and hopefully, by the time mid-August rolls around, a commitment to virtual learning will spread across the country in a corona-esque manner.
But don’t hold your breath.
There aren’t any easy answers here. Kids need an education, but they also deserve our protection. Everybody wants schools to open, and I’d like to think there’s an effective way to do it, but as of now, I’m not seeing ideas that inspire confidence. While many countries shut themselves down and got the health of their citizens in order, the US rushed back to normal. That decision is continuing to impact (and end) lives, ever hindering our chances of putting this horrible era behind us. There’s a lot we still don’t know about this insidious disease, and somehow, THAT is what’s driving optimism in this country. The not knowing. Slim statistical chances are being treated as if there’s no chance at all, which is a sickness all in itself.
There’s a fundamental commitment to dice-rolling with public health these days, and it’s already proven to be disastrous. We’re like a degenerate gambler that can’t stop ourselves from one more bet on the craps table, losing dollar after dollar, day after day, until there’s nearly nothing left to spend.
As of now, there are a couple bucks left in our pocket, and that cash represents the safety of the most precious commodity we have: our children. Let’s not gamble with them. Let’s leave the fucking casino and go home.
